They look so sweet & innocent…

Don’t they? So why is it, then, that I’ve said the following things lately?

1. You don’t put a key up your nose!
2. Why did you just try & put a rock in my ear?
3. Why did you take his diaper off?
4. Where is his diaper?
5. Why do you smell like daddy’s deodorant?
6. WHO PUT THE KEYS IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL???? (luckily they weren’t my keys, but rather a set that I have no clue what they go to & have been in our junk drawer for years.)
7. Why is Carter wearing mascara?
8. What are you eating? WHAT ARE YOU EATING????
9. Why did you just run in here, unprompted, and say “I’m sorry”?
10. Why is the bathroom floor covered in water?
11. Why do you have butt paste all over your face?
12. Where did you get that candy from?
13. WHY IS THERE MILK ALL OVER MY FLOOR?
14. Oh my god…what did you eat yesterday?
15. How many times do I have to tell you? You MAY NOT GO OUTSIDE NAKED. GET IN HERE.
16. Carter, when will you learn that those things are sensitive & that someday, in the very distant future, I’d really like to have grandkids?
17. Carter, why do you have daddy’s teeth (night guard) in your mouth?
18. No, Claire, your panties are not “just like pockets” so take the (camera, Little People, magic wand, remote, etc) out of them.
19. Uh, what did you just wipe on me?
20. How did you get the mattress off of your bed?
21. Why did you think it would be a good idea to color my walls with chalk?
22. Yeah, see that look on Carter’s face? I don’t really think he likes you sitting on him.
23. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT KNIFE???
24. Stop climbing in the dishwasher.
25. Why did you just put your Barbie in the freezer?
26. What did you just say? What does that even mean?
27. Carter, why are you wearing my underwear?
28. Carter, why are you wearing Claire’s underwear?
29. Carter, where did you get that wet rag?
30. Carter, why are you standing IN the toilet?
31. I know it’s fun to watch the clothes spin in the dryer, but no,  you may not get in there & try to spin.
32. I don’t care what he did, locking him in the closet is not appropriate.

Guest Post-Taking Advice

I’m opening the blog up to a friend today. She’s in the process of getting a divorce from her husband & has a sweet 19mo daughter. She’s in a relationship with her childhood sweetheart now & is trying to develop a good relationship with his two children. She could use any advice that you have in helping with this transition & helping the kids settle in to the new family dynamic they are trying to establish.

If you know the poster outside of my blog, please do not mention her name or any of the places you see her online regularly.

Opening the blog up

Within the next day or two, I’ll be turning the blog over to a friend who needs to write but can’t do so on her personal space.

Her post will be password protected. Once you’re given the link to her post, please email me at bearandroo@gmail.com for the password.

Bathroom time

Look, I get it. When I signed up for this whole parenting thing, I knew I was giving up any hopes of having privacy in the bathroom. Because, duh, that’s pretty much in the top 5 category of “Things parents whine about”.

The thing I don’t recall signing up for, though? Having my bathroom privacy interrupted by my husband.

Here’s the thing. If the kids are awake, the only way I’m in the shower is if they are in there with me. And Claire’s finally started noticing that even though we’re both girls, things don’t exactly look the same. Also? I’m a holy freaking big time little bit of a prude & don’t really care to well, have it all hanging out in front of the kids. Then there’s the part where both kids scream every time a drop of water gets within a 3 foot radius of their faces, the fact that they love to squirt shampoo all over the shower floor then don’t understand why they keep slipping & falling, and oh! have you ever tried to shave your legs when there are two little heathens knocking in to you every 10 seconds? Now that’s safe! So you can just imagine how much it thrills me when I have to cram the three of us into our tiny shower stall.

What’s that you say? Shower during naptime? Nope. Can’t, won’t & don’t. Well, technically, I can but I don’t & I won’t. Same reason I don’t nap while they nap & why I never get more than an hour or two of sleep when Chase is out of town & I’m home by myself with the kids. I worry that I won’t hear them. Silly? Yes.

So when Chase is home & I jump in the shower or even fill up the tub & turn on the jets, I expect to have total silence for the short few 45 minutes that I’m in there. I still like to wait until the kids are in bed though, always hoping to eliminate any “Mom! Mommy! Hey, what are you doing? Mom you taking a baf? Mom I need you. Mom! Mom I take a baf too?” Realistically though? I’m starting to realize it doesn’t matter whether or not the kids are awake or asleep because unless I am the only person in the house, I will never again be able to enjoy any steamy, soapy, silent moments.

You see, Chase (in my opinion) & his interruptions are worse than the kids. All they want to know is what I’m doing & why can’t they be doing it with me. He, on the other hand, not only wants to know “are you done yet? what about now?” but also things that apparently just cannot wait until I’m nice & clean & in a considerably better mood. Things like “do we have any batteries? What do you mean you don’t think so? Why not? Did you charge them? What do you mean the charger is missing? Do you know where my guitar pick is? Have you seen my phone? Will you go get lunch after you’re done? What are we doing this afternoon? Do I work this weekend? Have you seen my phone? What’s for dinner? How much longer are the kids going to sleep? Are you almost done? I’m ready to go to bed. How much longer are you going to be in there? Want to watch a movie when you’re done? Are you sure you don’t know where any batteries are? Will you go buy some new batteries when you’re done? Do you think any of the kids toys have AAA batteries in them? Will you look when you get out?”

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY MAN…I just want to take a shower in peace. I want a few 45 minutes of silence that I can enjoy. Minutes of silence where I don’t have to worry about “are they going to wake up soon? Wait a minute, why are they being so quiet? What the freak is he screaming about this time? Did they turn the TV on again? Why are they touching the TV? Did I just hear the fridge open? Why can’t they give me five minutes??!” Thoughts like that are exactly why I don’t shut myself in a tiny room with running water while the kids are awake. Thoughts like that are exactly why I wait until he is home & can listen for the kids.

I JUST WANT ONE NICE, RELAXING BATH OR SHOWER WITH NO INTERRUPTIONS. Ahem. I’ll go ahead & write that down as a suggestion for Mother’s Day next year.

Ring at your own risk…

The Naked Chef

Jamie Oliver ain’t got nothin’ on this boy.

Nose watch 2010

So yesterday, around 1:00pm, we found ourselves making an unexpected trip to the doctor’s office. Which, really, isn’t all that unusual for us. This time, however,  it wasn’t for a sudden fever or puke or any of the other things we usually come in for.

No, yesterday we had to go in because Claire, for some unknown reason, decided that it would be a good idea to stick a chunk of hotdog up her nose.

I tried getting her to blow her nose. She tried several times to jam her finger up there. I tried getting her to blow her nose again. Nothin’. So off we went.

When I told the receptionist why we were there, she could barely stop laughing long enough to get the ticket typed up. Claire was…slightly majorly embarrassed. I called Chase at work & asked him if he had a minute to talk to Claire. I handed her the phone & said “why don’t you tell Daddy why we’re at the doctor?” She shot me a dirty look & wailed “I don’t knooooooooow Daddy” then handed the phone back to me.

She wouldn’t tell anyone why we were there. The nurse asked her a few times, the doctor asked her a few times, I tried to get her to say why & each time she’d just look away & mumble “I don’t know.” Luckily our doctor’s office has several “Minor Emergency” rooms. As soon as the doctor flipped on the aspirator & tried to show Claire the tube she was going to use, she lost it. We finally had to just lay her back & shove the tube up her nose. I couldn’t believe the amount of hotdog that came flying out of there. I was expecting something maybe the size of a pencil eraser…it ended up being almost a 1/4″ chunk. Can someone please explain how she pulled that off??!

Once we were out of the room & getting stickers & suckers for both kids, I could.not.stop.laughing. And you can just imagine how happy that made Claire. She got a little lecture from the doctor about food going in her mouth, not her nose & we were on our way.

So this morning when I dropped her off at preschool, I told the teacher that they needed to keep an eye on her during crafts & snack time. And once the teacher stopped laughing, she told me that they actually have a name for it. “Nose Watch.”

Let’s just say Claire was happy to see me leave this morning.

Oh my gawd, mom…how dare you?

I’m pretty sure that’s what both kids have been thinking all morning.

• How dare you let us watch Robin Hood in bed this morning after we woke up cranky but couldn’t go back to sleep?
• How dare you make us our favorite breakfast of scrambled eggs & toast with jelly? And give us chocolate milk?
• How dare you let us pick out our own clothes?
• How dare you take us to the grocery store? And make us sit in our favorite race car basket? And eat our favorite snack? And ugh, talk to our favorite produce guy?
• How dare you buy us our favorite lunchables, so that you could get the groceries put away as soon as we got home?
• How dare you tell us that we have to take a nap today?

It’s been that kind of day. The “we spent too much time getting spoiled by grandma & we haven’t seen Daddy enough” meltdown kind of day.  And it’s only noon.

Is there a plumber in the house?

Yep. That’s a camera, all right. In my toilet. Wedged Flushed into place.

I know Chase just loved getting this call 30 minutes after he got to work today: “So, Carter tried to flush a camera. Should I just let it sit there til you get home or do you want me to call a plumber?”

Let’s look on the bright side, though. At least I cleaned my toilets yesterday.

*edit* to clarify, that’s not my camera…it’s an old one that I’d given Claire to play with so she’d leave mine alone. It sat there for about 10 hours until Chase got home & used a pair of grill tongs to pry it out.

Sigh. She’s almost three.

Saturday we had my baby girl’s third birthday party. Her big day isn’t until the 31st but because May is always such a crazy month we had her party early.

Someone (ahem-Chase) put the bug in her ear that she should have a Hello Kitty party. I’d already had it all planned out-a Candy Land theme…jar after jar of candy, fun rainbow decorations, even a little pathway just like the game. Which is why we ended up with a candy bar. A very scaled down candy bar compared to what I’d originally planned, but piles of candy nonetheless. I’d already purchased about 20lbs of candy & I wanted it out.of.my.house.

That is about 10x less than the amount I’d originally had planned for the Candy Land party. And let me just say this…I will not be eating M&M’s for a very, very long time. After sorting 10 bags of them by color, the smell makes me want to urp.

I had SO much fun putting her party together this year. She kind of got what it meant to have a party when she turned 2. She sort of realized what was going on when Carter turned 1. But this year? She was ALL OVER IT. Every day last week, she’d ask me: “Is today my party? Is today the Hello Kitty car party FOR MEEEEE?” The insomnia, the stressing over whether packages would get here in time, the failed batch of cupcakes, the backache from sitting for so long & making her banner? It was all worth it when she woke up from her nap on Saturday & walked in to our dining room.

The single best moment(s) from the party? Every time the doorbell rang, I’d say “Claire! Someone is here!” She would take off running as fast as she could across the house, throw open the front door & scream “MY FWIEND! You are here! It’s my Hello Kitty birthday today!” She sang happy birthday to herself, ate at least 4 cupcakes, played her little heart out, & hugged & kissed on each & every one of her friends.

As hard as it is to see my baby girl leave her baby years behind, I get such joy out of watching her grow up & change right before my very eyes.