Look, I get it. When I signed up for this whole parenting thing, I knew I was giving up any hopes of having privacy in the bathroom. Because, duh, that’s pretty much in the top 5 category of “Things parents whine about”.
The thing I don’t recall signing up for, though? Having my bathroom privacy interrupted by my husband.
Here’s the thing. If the kids are awake, the only way I’m in the shower is if they are in there with me. And Claire’s finally started noticing that even though we’re both girls, things don’t exactly look the same. Also? I’m a holy freaking big time little bit of a prude & don’t really care to well, have it all hanging out in front of the kids. Then there’s the part where both kids scream every time a drop of water gets within a 3 foot radius of their faces, the fact that they love to squirt shampoo all over the shower floor then don’t understand why they keep slipping & falling, and oh! have you ever tried to shave your legs when there are two little heathens knocking in to you every 10 seconds? Now that’s safe! So you can just imagine how much it thrills me when I have to cram the three of us into our tiny shower stall.
What’s that you say? Shower during naptime? Nope. Can’t, won’t & don’t. Well, technically, I can but I don’t & I won’t. Same reason I don’t nap while they nap & why I never get more than an hour or two of sleep when Chase is out of town & I’m home by myself with the kids. I worry that I won’t hear them. Silly? Yes.
So when Chase is home & I jump in the shower or even fill up the tub & turn on the jets, I expect to have total silence for the short few 45 minutes that I’m in there. I still like to wait until the kids are in bed though, always hoping to eliminate any “Mom! Mommy! Hey, what are you doing? Mom you taking a baf? Mom I need you. Mom! Mom I take a baf too?” Realistically though? I’m starting to realize it doesn’t matter whether or not the kids are awake or asleep because unless I am the only person in the house, I will never again be able to enjoy any steamy, soapy, silent moments.
You see, Chase (in my opinion) & his interruptions are worse than the kids. All they want to know is what I’m doing & why can’t they be doing it with me. He, on the other hand, not only wants to know “are you done yet? what about now?” but also things that apparently just cannot wait until I’m nice & clean & in a considerably better mood. Things like “do we have any batteries? What do you mean you don’t think so? Why not? Did you charge them? What do you mean the charger is missing? Do you know where my guitar pick is? Have you seen my phone? Will you go get lunch after you’re done? What are we doing this afternoon? Do I work this weekend? Have you seen my phone? What’s for dinner? How much longer are the kids going to sleep? Are you almost done? I’m ready to go to bed. How much longer are you going to be in there? Want to watch a movie when you’re done? Are you sure you don’t know where any batteries are? Will you go buy some new batteries when you’re done? Do you think any of the kids toys have AAA batteries in them? Will you look when you get out?”
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY MAN…I just want to take a shower in peace. I want a few 45 minutes of silence that I can enjoy. Minutes of silence where I don’t have to worry about “are they going to wake up soon? Wait a minute, why are they being so quiet? What the freak is he screaming about this time? Did they turn the TV on again? Why are they touching the TV? Did I just hear the fridge open? Why can’t they give me five minutes??!” Thoughts like that are exactly why I don’t shut myself in a tiny room with running water while the kids are awake. Thoughts like that are exactly why I wait until he is home & can listen for the kids.
I JUST WANT ONE NICE, RELAXING BATH OR SHOWER WITH NO INTERRUPTIONS. Ahem. I’ll go ahead & write that down as a suggestion for Mother’s Day next year.
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